Secret Story Live

January 20, 2009

I may have to finally cough up the 65 dollars to see Pat Metheny next time he comes around.  This song is from ‘Secret Story’, which is a beautiful album…but WOW, I have to say, the live version is just amazing.

If you do not own this album already, you should really purchase it and give it some time to grow on you.  It is maybe one of the greatest albums of all time.

So Im sure you all watched Obamas inauguration…very nice speech, and amazing turn out to witness it.  Very significant moment and all that…..

That said…I, for one, am already tired of the Obama fervor.  Its exciting, I get it.  Lets just get excited when this clusterfuck that our nation is mired in gets sorted out a bit, alright?

Im gonna wait until at least July to get any type of excited about all of this. Obviously, our 8 year nightmare has ended, and Im just as happy as everyone else about that.  However, much like in the South Park depiction of this situation, I feel people are a little overexcited. Like I said, Im excited for this new era to begin…Im just not ready to abandon my viewpoint that all politicians are generally lying scumbags.  Barack may be the best thing to come along for American politics in a long time, perhaps ever…Im just tempering my expectations…thats all. Everyone calm the fuck down.

In other, more interesting news, the Arizona Cardinals are in the Super Bowl.

What the fuck? Seriously.  If you told somebody 15 years ago we’d have a black president and the Cardinals would be in the super bowl, they would, rightfully so, laugh in your face.  Because both of those things seemed impossible at the time.

Completing this bizarre trifecta, of sorts, is the fact that Brendan Shannahan returned to the Devils last night, 14 years later, and scored a power-play goal.  While this is obviously is only slightly more important than the inauguration, it certainly is much more exciting, especially considering the fact that Shannahan looked alert, strong on his skates, and very aggressive in his first game with the Devils this year.  He does not look like a 40 year old player trying to get back on his game, he looks more like a 30 year old in midseason form…

And with Brent Sutter looking like the best fit behind the bench for the Devils that Ive ever seen,  the shrewd drafting of Zach Parise looking more and more golden every night, a resurgent Patrick Elias, and the way this team has not only held its own, but put its foot on the accelerator after Marty went down, there really is only one person that you can hold responsible for all of this. And thats this man, right here:

Kudos, Lou. Kudos.

GWB Farewell Address

January 16, 2009

In case you didnt catch it, here is a transcript of GWB’s farewell speech.
We care a lot about disasters, fires, floods and killer bees
We care a lot about the NASA shuttle falling in the sea
We care a lot about starvation and the food that Live Aid bought
We care a lot about disease, baby Rock, Hudson, rock, yeah!

We care a lot about the gamblers and the pushers and the geeks
We care a lot about the crack and smack and whack that hits the street
We care a lot about the welfare of all the boys and girls
We care a lot about you people cause we’re out to save the world


And it’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it

We care a lot about the army, navy, air force, and marines
We care a lot about the SF, NY, and LAPD
We care a lot about you people; about your guns
about the wars you’re fighting gee that looks like fun

We care a lot about the Garbage Pail Kids, they never lie
We care a lot about Transformers cause there’s more than meets the eye

We care a lot about the little things, the bigger things we top
We care a lot about you people yeah you bet we care a lot

What You Know About Math?

January 15, 2009

Gangsta son, gangsta.

Fresh out of qualudes?  Need another way to your vaguely homoerotic rainbow and unicorn hallucinations? Apparently, you now can use ping-pong balls.

Let me start off with a basket of chips, then move on to the pollo asado taco…no wait, nevermind, Id like some rip-roarin, good old nuclear mishaps, with a side of guacamole.

Let me actually start off by saying that I am a proponent of nuclear energy, in theory. Because, theoretically, nuclear energy is the cleanest, most efficient and cost-effective form of energy production that humanity is currently capable of achieving. France, for example, runs almost entirely on nuclear energy, about 80%, while about 20% of the United States is powered by nuclear power plants.

So, obviously, it works, and France is really a shining example of how it can be done correctly. They have a virtually pollution free method of supplying 80% of their energy, they haven’t had any major accidents since the first reactor went online, (although there was one incident involving a small release of barely radioactive, but still toxic material, it was no more dangerous than a spill of any toxic liquid), and French nuclear power has generally been very successful. This is all well and good, but we all know about Chernobyl, we all know about Three Mile Island, and most of us understand what could, theoretically, go wrong.


The problem here, in my opinion, is basically that we are too stupid and unreliable to be fully trusted with something that could potentially ‘fuck our shit up good’. And America, as usual, has displayed a most cavalier attitude about nuclear power and weapons.

Case in point: The Ford Nucleon.

Hindsight is U-238.

Hindsight is U-238/U-238

Yup. It’s a car with a nuclear reactor.

Granted, in 1957, it mustve seemed like everything would be powered by uranium in the very near future. This still doesn’t explain what the developers of this concept car thought would happen in an accident – does it? I mean, a breach of the portable reactors core would surely result in the deaths of, at the very least, the passengers inside the Nucleon, and more likely, the slow, painful deaths of a few hundred other motorists on the highway. This wasn’t an issue that stopped the research and development of such a vehicle, even though it was ultimately decided that production was probably not in Fords best interests, as the American public slowly learned the real face of radiation and nuclear energy.

Still, this little tidbit fits in with the way the atomic bomb itself came into existence, an arrogant attitude towards a relatively unknown source of power. Shoot and ask questions later, all that cowboy bullshit that America is built on. Willful ignorance, in exchange for the perception of having abnormally large genitalia, has been the modus operandi for quite some time. This is obviously not an exclusively American trait, as much as we have come to be known for it….Anyway…Here are some other hilarious nuclear mishaps and close calls: (cue the slide whistle/blooper reel music)

Hay Ricky!  These be the dang gone wrong ones!

America, fuck yeah.

We don’t have to look back very far to remember one of the whackiest nuclear mishaps….Back in 2007, a simpler time, our illustrious military itself made a boo-boo, loading 6 live nuclear warheads onto a B-52., and flying them over America.  This was simply an inability to follow directions by the individuals loading the bombs.  Really. No really, they fucking just plum forgot.  ‘Whooops! Didnt realize we had those thangs on there…gosh darnit, ill tell you what… my face is red.’The bombs ended up flying across several states, and landed in Missouri, without incident, before being noticed several hours later on the tarmac. The parties involved were dismissed from duty.

– 1956, The Suez Fuck-Up


If you havent heard about this ridiculousness, during the Suez Canal crisis, the Brits, along with the French, were basically fucking with Egypt for reasons that are much too convoluted and stupid to explain here.  The Soviets didnt like this too much, and told England that they were about to get fucked up, conventional style.  But the Brits were all like, ‘piss off, wankers’ and shit got hectic.  After this threat of conventional retaliation by the Soviets, a series of happenstance events occurred which made a massive Soviet attack anticipated, and caused a retaliatory strike to be readied.  Long story short, a flock of geese and an innocent Soviet training exercise nearly led to full scale global nuclear war.  Thats right, a flock of geese, mistaken for ‘100 Soviet MIGs’,  almost tricked a jittery radar guy into commencing WWIII.  Seems logical.

Aurora Borealis…wtf.

The U2 spy plane incident, (not the one youre thinking of), this one in 1962, was just plain whacky (derp!).  By 1962, we had agreed to not overtly fuck with the Soviets, this included not spying on them. We had agreed to keep at least 100 miles away from the Soviet border.   Well, one of our guys made the mistake of flying his U2 over Siberia by accident, because those god damn pain in the ass northern lights fucked his shit all up, with their solar wind particles and whatnot.  So he got a little off track and just nipped the tip of Siberia…the ruskies did not take this type of bullshit likely, and sent out some migs to shoot his ass down. Kennedy, having already watched Eisenhower have his balls removed by Khrushchev in the first U2 incident, was like, ‘aww hell no, bitch’, and sent some of our fighters to escort the spy plane back home. Here is the kicker – they had nuclear missiles armed and onboard, and it was at the pilots discretion to use them.  Luckily, they thought better of nuking the USSR for shits and giggles, and we can live above ground to this day.

– We dont need no water, let the motherfucker burn

Right here at home, at McGuire Air Force Base in New Jersey, on June 7, 1960, there was an incident that just blows my mind.  A nuclear air-defense missile caught on fire after a tank of helium exploded, which melted the missile itself, and the plutonium warhead which was attached burned in a fucking fire for THIRTY minutes. If anything, this should be a testament to the engineering genius of the warheads designers.  On the other hand, they let a nuclear warhead burn in a fucking fire for THIRTY minutes. 1.5 kilograms of plutonium was ‘lost’ in the incident, contaminating the surrounding area, and obviously, a much more serious situation was miraculously averted.  30 fucking minutes…they didnt have a fire truck there, or a hose or some shit? I mean, fuck.

Vasiliy Arkhipov, ‘The Sober Russian’

You know that guy, when youre out drinking, that is always like, ‘nah man, Im gonna stay sober tonight, Im driving’?

Me neither. But I know now that he actually does, or did, exist.

On October 27th, 1962, Vasiliy and his crew were aboard their B-59 Foxtrot class sub, cruising in the pacific, rollin with some nuclear heat, just in case. All of the sudden, eleven American destroyers, and an aircraft carrier surrounded the subs position, and started dropping practice depth charges in order to force the sub to surface and identify itself.  The subs captain, Valentin Savitsky, who had presumably been drinking Stoli all morning, was all riled up and ready to put an atomic foot up the yanks ass.  Vasiliy, Savitsky, and a soviet political advisor named Ivan Maslennikov had to all agree before launching a nuke by inserting and twisting their  Ovaltine  decoder rings into the ships launch mechanism.

Ovaltine was big in the USSR

Ovaltine was big in the USSR

Maslennikov and Savitsky were good and toasted at this point, and got their rings out, giggling wildly and jumping up and down with excitement.  But Vasiliy was all like, ‘dudes, calm down, lets just see whats up’.  After being taunted and called a pussy for well over half an hour, his crewmates eventually passed out, and he was able to surface the sub, averting what most certainly wouldve escalated into a massive nuclear exchange.

Well, it’s another boring Monday, and theres really not much else to talk about today except for the bizarre happenings in the NFL playoffs, the Devils somewhat curious mid-season signing of Brendan Shannahan, and the ‘Angry Whopper’, which looks like it will make your colon extremely perturbed.

First of all – The Arizona Cardinals?!?! Really?!

Nobody saw this coming. Nobody.

I mean, every single sports radio show host, ESPN analyst, and sports writer in the country had this one over before it started. Carolina was undefeated at home all season, had scored some ungodly number of points in their last five games, had two of the hottest RBs in the NFL this year, a star wideout, an experienced NFL playoff-tested QB, a ferocious defense, etc… and Arizona was 0-4 on the east coast this season, culminating in an embarrassing trouncing at Foxboro, and has had a shaky running game and a suspect defense all year long. And watching the first drive by the Panthers, in which they ran two running plays and scored, I had this game marked down as a decisive Carolina victory, just like everyone else. That was the end of that. The Cardinals unleashed their passing game, with Larry Fitzgerald looking unstoppable, and played defense above their heads for most of the game.

If you care, you already know how it went down, and I wont bore you with my second rate analysis of the game action.

Baltimore upset Tennessee, and Phila upset NYG…

So what do you make of all this? The NFL is becoming more and more about ego, and the lack thereof. What I mean by this is, it seems like every single time a team is counted out, they rise up, play better than anyone could have possibly expected, and win. And every single time a team has been touted as unbeatable, they fall apart.

Every team in the NFL is talented, (except for the Lions and Rams), and its becoming more and more apparent that ‘dissing’ a team is the key to them winning.

Take the Giants last season, nobody gave them a chance, blah blah blah, they win the superbowl. Same thing with the Cardinals this year. They have gotten up harder for these past two games than their opponents have. The Panthers looked like they had a big head yesterday, the Giants looked the same way, and both of them were soundly defeated. The Giants kept it a bit closer on the scoreboard, but that game never really looked like it was close to me, in terms of battles won, and physicality.

Baltimores defense looks better every week, and the prospect of a Ravens/Cardinals is becoming a very real one. I, for one, would welcome this matchup more than any of the other nightmarish possibilities. Eagles/Steelers would make me sick to my stomach.

The championship games should be interesting to watch, I just hope we don’t see the Cards/Steelers matchup – the last time the Steelers were in the Super Bowl, I shut the game off at halftime and played video games….on PS2…that’s how bad it was….. it was perhaps the most bogus victory in the history of the NFL, with the refs handing the game to the Steelers. Ughh..Im getting bored thinking about that game.

Brendan Shannahan signs with the Devils, 20 years later….

Hey, Brendan, Im gay. I know, Sidney

"Hey, Brendan, Im gay." "I know, Sidney"

This left me shaking my head, just because I don’t have any idea who the Devils are sending down to make roster space for this dinosaur when he comes back. Don’t get me wrong, the guy was one of the all-time greats, and will be a first ballot hall of famer. But he is 40 years old, hasn’t played since June, and I just wonder about his legs….that said, hes had at least 20 goals every year he has played, and if he could contribute to an all-too-often-anemic offense, Id be all for it. Its just a little peculiar to me that Lou made this move midseason. I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. If I didn’t hate the Rangers so much, Id probably be more excited about this.

The Angry Whopper

Fuck it, Im eating one. I mean, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, you know?

Everything looks angrier in German.

Everything looks angrier in German.

So, in case youre wondering, and I know you are, this bitch is the already delicious whopper (fuck you, you know you love them) with jalopenos, bacon, onion rings, and some kind of a hotsauce mayonnaise hybrid, in addition to the mayonnaise (or whatever the fuck it is) that is already on the whopper.

Clocking in at a modest 880 calories, 55 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1670 milligrams of sodium, 59 grams of carbs, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugar, (on the plus side, it has 37 grams of protein), this thing is serious.

Although this sandwich was obviously created specifically for the residents of Iowa, Kansas, and Happy Valley, PA, I am going to give it some love in New Jersey, and pray that I can survive the minor heart attack that ensues. Im sure its worth it.

So Jeff Brown just shot me an email that I thought should be made publicly known.

PETA, in case you havent heard, has launched a new campaign, urging people to contact the Fish and Wildlife Service and ask them to ‘stop promoting sea kitten hunting’.

So, I know what youre thinking…”What the fuck is a sea-kitten, Adam?”

Well guess what..those clever goat fucking hippies have re-named fish to…Sea-Kittens!

Directly from the professional bugger society webiste:

People don’t seem to like fish. They’re slithery and slimy, and they have eyes on either side of their pointy little heads—which is weird, to say the least. Plus, the small ones nibble at your feet when you’re swimming, and the big ones—well, the big ones will bite your face off if Jaws is anything to go by.

Of course, if you look at it another way, what all this really means is that fish need to fire their PR guy—stat. Whoever was in charge of creating a positive image for fish needs to go right back to working on the Britney Spears account and leave our scaly little friends alone. You’ve done enough damage, buddy. We’ve got it from here. And we’re going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it’s time for a serious image makeover. And who could possibly want to put a hook through a sea kitten?

I don’t think that there is really anything else to say at this point except, fuck you, PETA, fuck you right in your smelly unwashed faces.

Yankees 2009 Outlook.

January 9, 2009


So, about these Yankees –

After missing the playoffs for the first time in over a decade, and closing out one of the most recognizable landmarks in baseball with an abject disappointment, this offseason was expected to be an active one for the bombers.  The fact that over 100 million dollars came off the books raised those expectations quite a bit.   So, as expected, they threw as much money as neccessary at Sabathia, locked up AJ Burnett (meh), collected Nick Swisher for shits and giggles, and then ripped Teixeira away from the sawx at the last minute. The damage?

About 425 million dollars.  $425,000,000. (It looks more imposing in numerical form.)

Does spending nearly a half of a billion dollars during a recession  guarantee a post season appearance?

Of course it doesnt.

Does spending nearly a half of a billion dollars during a recession display to the rest of the league, especially the sawx, how enormous your cock is?

It most certainly does.

Mark Teixeira is a great ball player, hes young, he hits for power and average, and may be the best fielding first baseman in the league right now.   He was the best offensive free agent, and after the Yankees backed up the brinks truck to C.C. Sabathias house, nobody really expected them to land Teixeira as well.  The kicker in all of this, of course, is that Tex was supposed to land with the sawx, according to every sportswriter in the country.  They had flown out to visit with him, they were looking around for a deal involving Lowell to clear out some room, the whole deal…The Yankees, meanwhile, were reported to have ‘not been in serious discussions’ regarding Teixeira.

When it came down to it, the Yankees coughed up a second 180 million dollar contract, apparently wooed Teixeira a bit, and landed him.  Theres been some speculation that he wanted to come to the bronx all along, and during his introductary press conference, he gushed about Donny baseball being his childhood hero.

C.C., who dicked the Yankees around for as long as possible, in order to get that extra 20 million tacked on,  had some similar comments about always wanting to be a Yankee.

Obviously, this is horse shit, and has been publicly decreed as such by WFAN callers and hosts alike – but what do you want from these guys?  Theyre not going to get up there and say, “I came for the money, bitch! “  You and I would do the same exact thing in their positions, and its just the nature of the business.  They have to play to the fans, its their job.

And who the fuck cares anyway. I mean really.  As long as they arent fat, lazy, lice infested, injury faking, little-league caliber left fielders, I give them a pass.  You can lie all you want about your long-time Yankee aspirations if you hit 315 with 30 jacks, or strike out 225 and rack up 18 wins.

  • Looking at the new additions, and some not-so-bold predictions for this team in 2009.
  • A.J. Burnett

I am fully prepared for Burnett to be a bust, but if he happens to contribute 10-12 wins, itll be a great bonus.  The potential for this guy is immense, however, and he had one of his better years this past season, largely due to his performances against the Yankees and Red Sox.  Hopefully for Yankees fans, this is an indication that as he has matured, he has turned into more of a ‘gamer’, higher pressure, better performance.  Burnett gobbled up 221 innings last year, won 18 games with a largely anemic Blue Jays lineup;  AJ also had 223 strikeouts, which are all  career records.

The issue, of course, with all incoming Yankees signings, is how they will perform in the Bronx –  where expectations, (rightfully so with that payroll), border on ridiculousness.   All things considered, I tend to think that Burnett will be a surprise this year, playing well above expectations.  I do see him being a solid number 3 or number 4 starter in this lineup, and would put him somewhere, at best, around 16 wins with 200 strikeouts.

Plus, he is a Sawx (and formerly Yankee) killer, which is always important to the Yanks.  If he posts a 2.10 era vs Boston, and a 4.75 against the rest of the league, you wont hear anyone bitching.  I guarantee it.

  • CC Sabathia

I am tempering my expectations for CC as far as stats this season.  If you look at his splits from his time with Cleveland and his time with Milwaukee, they are pretty dramatic.

Leaving record aside, due to the Indians overall woes, CC had half as many earned runs allowed, half as many home runs allowed, and halved his era after his trade to the Brewers.  You could attribute this to the discrepancy in offensive power in the AL and NL, or you could attribute this to him ‘turning it on’ towards the end of the season.  I tend to think that its primarily the former, not the latter in this situation. And that does not bode well for a pitcher wading into the power hitter infested waters of the AL East.  Pairing that with the fact that he had expressed his desire to pitch on the west coast prior to finally succumbing to the monopoly money the Yanks threw at him, you have to be concerned that his performance will drop off a bit.

That said, he is an inning eating, hard throwing lefty, in the prime of his career,which is what this team has been lacking in its starting rotation for some time.  While I do not see any Cy Young nominations coming his way this year, and while I think he has been severely overpaid, even by Steinbrenner standards, he will be a main cog in this staff.

I would also place him at around 15 wins, with over 200 strikeouts and he should approach 240 innings pitched.  If he can display the fire he showed in leading the Brewers in their dramatic late season run to the postseason, he will have performed what was asked of him.  While I think there will be some backlash towards him underperforming during the season, I see him performing when it matters most, which, in the words of Steve Summers, is of course, during some serious October baseball.

  • Mark Teixeira

If there is such a thing a sure bet for the Yankees this year, its got to be Teixeira.  The guy is a born Yankee.  Not because of his suddenly very public respect and admiration for an all-time great Yankee fist baseman, but because of his notoriously dilligent work ethic.  He is a corporate athelete.  His teammates, from Texas to Atlanta, to L.A., have had nothing but respect for his approach to the game, and the attitude that he brings with him to the field.  He treats baseball like its his business, and this is a perfect union when it comes to being a Yankee, the most coroporate of all sports organizations.

The Yankees are the definiton of big business when it comes to sports franchises.  The media in New York City is unrivaled in terms of voracity and many players coming into the city, and the bronx specifically, crumble under the intense scrunity that they receive.  Teixeira, however, seems built to withstand this type of atmosphere, perhaps better than any recent Yankee aquisition.

So the guys got thick skin, we get it, so what? Well, theres also this: hes a switch hitting, intelligent hitter that has had 30+ HRs, and 100 + RBIs in each of his last 5 seasons.  Put him behind ARod, (or in front?), and you present a very real problem to every team that has to face you this season.  If anything, his numbers should take a slight turn for the better this year, there will seldom be a situation in which he can be walked or pitched around.

  • The bottom line?

I would also expect to see improvement from Cano and Nady this season, which, factored into a lineup that will feature the perennially solid Jeter, a healthy Jorge Posada, and the aforementioned lightning rod at third base, looks slightly unfair on paper.

As we all know, paper doesnt win you anything, whether it has benjamin franklin, or a fantasy baseball worthy line-up on it.  This team was among the most talented in the league last year, but somehow found a way to choke it away.  Injuries to Wang and Posada certainly did not help anything, but the stark reality is that there was more than enough hitting talent in place, and it seemed the team was sleepwalking through large parts of the season, turning the switch on much too late in the year for it to matter.

This year, in the new Yankee Stadium, with its over the top luxury and over the top prices for seats,  the Yankees return to their over the top spending philosophy, to match the similarly lofty  expectations that they carry into every April.

Is half a billion enough to get it done?  It should be. And if nothing else, at least by signing Teixeira, and spending more than anyone thought possible, they were able to remind that little town in Massachusets who the boss really is.

Ricky Gervais

January 9, 2009

Much like Ali G, a decade after they become popular, I am finding out about a British comedic icon.